There are a lot of body parts I would like to shrink. Thighs, stomach, upper arms, maybe even my unusually high forehead. But today, if I were granted the ability to shrink one part of my body, I would leave those as they are and work on them the hard way. Today, I would shrink the already quite tiny cyst on my left ovary. My left ovary! The only ovary that has ever done right by me, has thrown up the latest roadblock on my endless road to motherhood. Reproductive endocrinologists will not perform treatment (at least not IUIs) when you have a cyst of a certain size because both the treatment and a pregnancy would cause the cyst to grow.
Lots of people get cysts, and they disappear, no big deal. I hope mine will do the same and I am grateful that my doctors are having me come back in two weeks instead of four (although I cannot for the life of me understand how that works). But I still bawled in my car for ten minutes when I left the doctor's office. And then for the last 15 or 20 minutes of my commute to work. And then in my office where I made use of my brand new door (goodbye cubicle!). Why was I so upset? This was probably more than I have cried over any result I have gotten in the 15 months that I have been waiting for my first insemination. Maybe because my nurse had called in my prescriptions and California Cryobank had confirmed that I was set to make an order. I let myself believe, despite all evidence and past experience, that I would finally be undergoing my first attempt to get pregnant.
I followed everyone's advice (and advice and advice...okay, I do love that last one) to be optimistic, to let my cynicism go. This is hard for me, even on a good day. I am a strategic, analytical person and even at the best of times I am looking ahead to potential obstacles or pitfalls that could be on their way. I've always considered this a strength, and the pessimism and cynicism that come along with it to be the down sides of this strength. Infertility has transformed these downsides into a giant iron shield, protecting me from perpetual disappointment. The problem is, the Shield of Cynicism doesn't work as well when I have no control over the obstacles, when I can't devise a plan to overcome them. So do I turn to hope and optimism instead? Will their protective power be greater or will they ultimately lead to more pain? Something to ponder while, once again, I wait.