This weekend S and I worked very hard to have a relaxing and peaceful getaway to the mountains. It was perfect timing - the day before we left I got a phone call with my AMH results. AMH stands for anti-mullerian hormone and it is an indicator for how many eggs a person has. A normal AMH result is between 1.5 and 4.0. My results? 0.2. Not good. Really, really bad. So like I said, perfect timing for a little vacation.
For three days we lived in the lap of luxury, thanks to my wonderful parents who let us use their timeshare. We hiked down a mountain (terrible idea and my calves are still burning, but pretty!), enjoyed botanical gardens, risked our lives driving my little car up a mountain to see a beautiful lake, and slept in every day. We had so much time together that we got to talk about things besides doctor's appointments, adoption, and infertility!
Of course, we did also talk about babies. I can't stop myself. It's like a constant conversation is happening in my head at all times, unacknowledged until I see a baby or I see that I have an email (must be from the doctor!) or it gets too quiet, and then out it comes. We decided to ask the doctor what he recommends given this result on top of all the other results, and the fact that we have decided we cannot afford IVF. In the back of my head I've sort of decided that it's over. It feels to me like every single piece of medical information we have is a strike against moving forward and it may be best for us to just move on. Mourn, heal, and transition our energies to adoption. But, for now and once again, we wait.